CarolynaGirls' Journal

it really sucks to feel so down. I mean, i don't ALWAYS feel down, not anymore, but some days more than others. I think it's because I no longer really feel "special". Everyone who really actually reads this, which is few and far between I'm sure, groan. I don't know. I guess I'm just such a "girl". I want to feel special every once in a while. I don't always want to do the work. I want to be told I'm loved for no reason at all. Silly text messages. A call for nothing other than to say hello. Weeds. flowers. and extra hug. A long kiss goodnight. a kiss period, before I get ready to go home, and preferably not grudgingly. Stephen doesn't understand that just because I'm with him doesn't mean he has to stop trying to do ANYTHING. He even says he sees no point in kissing now. That really hurts, because that's what I always loved, kisses goodnight, conversations that weren't tuned out. Maybe I'm asking too much, but all I want is a little attention. To not always have the TV on, or the radio turned up. To come before the dog. To not have to be home by 7 every night to watch TV. I just want to feel important again, and special. I don't feel that anymore. I plead for him to walk me to the door sometimes, and it's just across ther oom. I love him. I just hate feeling like i'm just "there" when he feels like me being there, and that's all I'm good for is when it's convenient to him. It's like he's completely forgotten that I have feelings too. I do a lot to make him feel like he's the only person I could ever want, but it's just the opposite for me. He picks on me about other girls, stares them down everywhere we go. I don't know. I'm starting to damn cry. I just feel so blue I guess, i just want to be told I'm beautiful when I get all dressed up. Or like when he used to say my hair smelled so good. I wish he'd just go as far as to brush his teeth for me. dangit. I'm going to bed now. screw this crying shit. Maybe i'm the one just not worth it anymore.

oopsie...somewhere down the line miss janet forgot to update this thing. that and my computer was broken and had to be sent away, in which all the time it was gone i was LOST. I was just reading this thing on MSN.com about speaking lovey dovey and i came to realize that I have never been spoken to with "lovey dovey". just bull-shitty, and stephen thinks ANYTHING HALFWAY romantic is stupid and useless. Which drives me crazy because at one point in our relationship he was so in love with me that he had to express it in EVERY way possible. now he farts and pulls the covers over my head just to watch me gag and practically vomit. talk about romance. people say it's dead these days. I would kill for some flowers, heck, i'd even go for weeds! Sometimes you just want to feel special, and i'm sure MOST girls would agree with that. Anything that makes you think your sweetie THOUGHT of something on his own and did it for you, just to make you smile. but that doesn't happen much anymore. I guess we've been together too long for all of that business. :( Ok, maybe i just want some extra love lately, cause i'm not getting it from anywhere. I don't think stephen quite understands how i feel when i barely get a good night kiss and when he never hugs me or anything. i always feel like i'm "one of the guys" I guess, and maybe that's because that's what he wants, and since there isn't a decent one around enough, i have slowly turned into what he wants me to be. i dunno. i love him with all my heart, but he's certainly changed a TON since we started dating. almost everything about him has changed, except for his love of shoes. and UNC. that's it though, otherwise he's opposite. ok, it's late. i'm not bashing him or anything, i love him with all i have, but i just wish i'd get to feel special every once in a while. night
janet

I'm in such a pissy mood right now. Texas Roadhouse has pissed me off to no end with this money business, and I have to get up eaqrly on the one day I could sleep in to go straighten it out. Stephen is being so mean to me today. I know he doesn't want to see me tomorrow, and I may very well not go. I'm hungry but I want to lose weight so I'm not eating. I'm trying to book our trip to Tennessee and I REALLY want to go to the beach, and he doesn't. I know what will happen. He'll act like he can't get off of work to go when i know he can. I just want to go for a weekend. Just get away. last year it sucked so bad, i had to be at him and phillips mercy because my supposed best friend had to ditch me for some guys and i think i went to the ocean maybe once. He's like "It's such a pain", but if you go and just relax it's not. I just want to be at the OCEAN. i don't care about the clubs or the nightlife or anything. I just want to stay in the sand all day long and nap in the afternoon and walk on the beach at night. that's ALL. but because he doesn't want to, we're not. But i'm going to tennessee just for him, something he wanted to do in the first place. Yes, I've grown to love the Dukes of Hazzard, but in the beginning i was going JUST for him. I do a LOT for him. All i want is this ONE 2 day vacation. not even on the weekend. and I can't get it. I hate that. I HATE it. But i have to suck it up like I always do. If I were to find a way to go, I'm sure he wouldn't anyways, he'd say he had to work. So i get to work my ass off all summer and if I'm lucky he'll maybe go to the lake with me, if we can get a day off together. at the rate i'm going working 1-9 six days a week doesn't leave much time for anything. i think I'm going to go to bed. Screw the world tonight, that's all i have to say

work sucked tonight! I went to class day at Dixie and saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time. Makes me miss them all so much! I spent the afternoon with Kaela and we walked a mile (briskly of course) and then I went to work. For some reason my legs hurt SO incredibly bad tonigt from working. It's not from walking, it's from standing on that damn hard floor at work. My dad finds out my grades tomorrow, so bless my soul that I survive. I also saw a loser at the gas station on my way home from work. BLAH. That's enough for tonight i guess. Stephen adn i went to Texas Roadhouse an dthe guy told me it denied my debit card twice and my credit card too...i just checked and it accepted it all three times for more than the price i signed for...so now I supposedly owe like, 70$ to texas roadhouse, so I guess i have to go up there and raise hell tomorrow. I'm quite pissed off about it.Ok, off to bed. *note - write entry about texts-
janet

today was eventful. I left moms and went to stephens. We took rosco to petsmart and had him given a good bath and had his toenails clipped, he got the cutest bandanna. We went to eat and i went to tri-county to return some books. I'm not happy at all with my grades, but for some reason i want one more semester to try and prove myself. It'll suck but I want to try.I can still get lottery money and that will pay for the bulk of my tuition and all. I'm going to class day at dixie tomorrow with Kaela since most of my friends are graduating. but anywhoo...i'm sleepy so I'm gonna try and get some zzz's...i'll ttyl

Tonight at work sucked. It was so incredibly slow and I found out Mary will no longer make our schedules out, which means Erica will and I don't know how she will do as far as working with us. But I'm crossing my fingers. I'm hungry and I'm about to go eat but I figured I'd write something in here....just a bunch of crap I guess. I have exams tomorrow, and on friday. So everyone think good thoughts and wish me luck. blah. ok, going to eat and then to bed...

I'm starting to get really sleepy tonight, I've been cleaning since I came home from Stephen's around 9:30. But my room looks good and I found like, 3 pair of shoes I haven't worn and I want to return them bc I never will wear them. There are more than the pairs I found reciepts for, but I don't know what to do with the others, I'll have to dig I guess. I did it again, and this time I REALLY want to stick to it. I went shopping today, and I HATE my legs and my arms. I tried on heaven knows how many pairs of shorts and they all fit fine in the waist, but they all were sucked onto my legs because i have such HUGE ghetto thighs! I also have these enormous arms where I once had muscle...and well, it's not muscle anymore. It depressed me, and i want to lose weight by this summer. I'm just so sick of the extra 10 I put on when I finished high school. I know it's because I just quit being active, so I've made it my MISSION...yes, MISSION to do SOMETHING to get off my butt...starting with some squats to tone up my legs and push-ups for my arms. I'm not disgusted with my stomach like I am those parts.

Dad wants me to go to summer school to get my grades up and get some extra hours in since i dropped a class or two, and I have to pay for it, which SUCKS royally, and I'm thinking about finding some really easy online courses to take that I can ace. I'll probably take some vet courses too, like terminology and stuff to maybe just get ahead. if i take it in the "maymester" then I only have to go for 4 weeks and I'll have it out of the way. I'm going to look into it. But as for now, I have go to get in the bed, i have my ethics final at 10 in the morning. Maybe a little more tomorrow night, but I'll be studying too for my math and my sociology final...

Janet

I don't really have time to say a whole lot, i'm exhausted. Completely burnt out and ready to drop everything and run from it all into the heat of summer. I'm flunking several of my classes this semester, mostly because I hate being there and don't pay attention. I want to take cosmetology but I know my dad will flip his lid and not approve, so I'm scared to death to know what he'll say when i tell him. I feel so bad because I'm clinging like crazy on stephen, mostly because i just need something stable. he did make me feel REALLY good tonight, i don't even remember what we were talking about but he said something about if and when we said "til death do us part....i'm scared of the m word"...i don't know why but it made me feel good to think he'd even halfway approach it. I just smiled. now don't get me wrong here, i'm NOT one of those 18 year old girls rushing to get married anytime soon...heck no! the boy HAS to learn to wash his own clothes before that happens...even if he never does it, he has to know how! and that'll take a LONG time for him to learn...lol...anywhoo...i got a lot done today. I did the visual for my poetry project and wrote my ethics paper as well. Now i'm going to bed, I doubt i'll have time tomorrow to write any...i work all day. ttyl
Janet

I'm sitting here now writing a paper for sociology that I COMPLETELY forgot was due. I have a biography and gender test to write by friday, and I have to finish up on my project for my western civ class (ok, start on...not finish!)I just checked the scedule and I have a little over a week to do the project, and my test is due in on next monday. THIS SUCKS. I have a funeral to go to this afternoon. My uncle died from bone cancer friday morning. It was so sad, my whole family was at the hospital until about 3 am, I had to go home because I had school, but dad said it wasn't peaceful at all. They said he was gasping for breath and trying so hard to hang on, even in the coma. My grandfather died and it was really peaceful, he just kinda took his last breath and was gone after that. It was really sad.
After the funeral we have to take Rosco to the pet store and buy him some tick bath. I found like 5 on him last night, and I really don't want him to get sick. I'm going to buy him some frontline as well and prevent it from happening at all. I can't handle having my poor baby having his blood sucked by vicious ticks! It upsets me so much! I guess I'm just so overprotective. I'm going next week to tractor supply and buying him a pen and a dog house and some chips. I'm going to have him so spoiled before it's all over! I got really upset last night, because Beth got a dog from Joseph (which kinda pisses me off anyway, because I bought stephen the dog special, and jospeh had to go out and do the same thing, which was wrong! I can't have crap anymore. And of course her little...yes i mean little dog (he's the size of my palm) is going to get all the attention and my Rosco won't get crap) but ANYWAY...his mom said that we had to get him used to being outside, because he won't be able to come in anymore when he gets bigger. what does size have to do with it? if he's a good natured dog and he's clean why can't he? her dog is going to be an ALL the time house dog, I mean, he's going to be paper trained and not allowed to go outside. This makes me SO mad! It's not fair at all that her little dog is going to get preferential treatment because it's small and whiney. Rosco is sweet, and has TONS of character...he doesn't even chew!! It's NOT fair at all! Ok, i'll step down off of my soapbox and go do my paper now...but I'm sure this won't be the last of this!

I'm about to go to bed, and i know i never have time to really write anything decent, but i really feel the need to get in the bed at a decent hour tonight. it's already 11 and i've accomplished nothing except to update my silly and crappy little website! But I DID have to work today, and I have a paper to write tomorrow...so anywhoo. I was in athletics ALL afternoon at work, so I know i didn't make squat. But oh freakin' well. I have to work tue, wed, friday, & sat this week. I'm going to his house tomorrow to watch UNC play in the NCAA tournament, and i am SO excited! I also bought my MG tickets on friday afternoon, so it's in concrete now that I get to see my boys again!
I feel bad bc i was kinda ill with stephen today. for some reason it's really gotten to bothering me when he checks out pretty girls. I think it's because lately i've felt extremely hideous, even though I'm sure i shouldn't i still feel just SO ugly. And fat. I feel like this huge toad most of the time, and like if something better came along why WOULDN't he want someone that looked better! I need to have more confidence in him, so he says...and i think it may actually hurt his feelings sometimes that i get this way, but it's truly NOT personal...it's just that I don't feel all that good about myself. which is why operation Janet Lose Weight Starts now! but anyways..i'm adding pics to my photobucket. I have to go..here is one my bailey...[IMG]http://tinypic.com/2km3ww[/IMG]

I am just SO very proud of Stephen tonight. It took me over two hours of begging, pleading, crying, and bargaining to get him to come to my mom's for Easter, and he finally gave in. We were watching North Carolina win and go on to the final four (HECK YEA!) and I just kept on and on. I felt bad about nagging him, but it's really important to me that he at least go every once in a while, just to keep my family happy. It makes such a difference when he comes and acts right. I was so happy though, he has NO idea how happy it made me. On top of that, for the past few days he's been really sweet to me. I mean just baby me, and want to be babied...he even has curled up in the bed with me and just cuddled the afternoon away. It makes me feel so good when he'll do that. I have to work tomorrow, but maybe Tuesday I'm going to take him shopping. i promised I'd do something for him if he was good at my moms (he sounds like he's five! lol). But all in all it was a good day. I went to church with him this morning, and I'm thinking of making that a habit, then we went to his house. Then to moms. Now I'm home at last, working on my website. I can spend ONE HOUR only on it every night, but eventually I'll finish it up, and then all I'll do is update it. But anyways, this is taking up too much time right now, so I'm gonna go.
<3 Janet

I can't really say a whole lot tonight either, i know i never can, but I have to be up in about six hours for chuch. tonight was the NIGHT FROM HELL at work. I wanted to shoot either all of the hundreds of procsastinators who didn't get their Easter shoes until today...particularly the ones who didn't come until 8:30!! it made me SO incredibly mad! i just wanted to scream! Then I had a woman blow me out because I wouldn't mark a shirt down more after my manager said I couldn't...and it's even worse because I work in shoes, not in childrens!! It irritated the SNOT out of me! But the night got better, because Stephen was in the BEST mood. He wanted to hold me, and curl up with me in the bed and just be sweet. I really needed that tonight too. He even greeted me at the car with a kiss, and he never does that. It just made my night, and after an episode of the Dukes and a  neck massage I was in a MUCH better mood. I remember one time when we were always like that, sweet and gushy..but now I guess it makes me appreciate it more than I ever did before. Well, I'm gonna go to bed now. I'll write more tomorrow. :) Night Night!

I'm really way too tired to write a whole bunch tonight. All i have to say is that work was pure hell tonight. it was so busy and Mr.Lucas had the building hot enough to fry eggs in. Even customers complained. I went to stephens and *gasp* he said he missed me. This made me feel SO good. He actually acted like he missed me too. I love it when he's like that. It rarely happens but I like it when he does. I have more say on that subject, but not at the moment. I'm MUCH too tired to get into anything right now. OH, btw, I got my haircut today as well. I think it looks MUCH better. I was so tired of it being long. BUt anywhoo..i'm going to bed, maybe i'll write more tomorrow. I'm so tired. Oh yea, one more thing (I know it's always one more thing)...North Carolina won....HECK YEA!! we only beat Villanova by one point, and it was SUCH a close game, and it scared me to death that I thought we weren't going to win...but we did. I've got a bet with Eric saying UNC will win the who tournament. And they better. I wish my dad would leave me alone....he's sitting in here and won't go away. Lord bless that laptop. So I'm heading to bed now. I'll write more later on today, or tomorrow....whatever.

I DID have to work tonight, and it sucked royally. But I guess I better start at the beginning of the night. Or day. whatevery. it's 1:30 in the morning, I can't think.

I get up this morning, I went to the bank, came home and took a shower, washed some clothes and went to Anderson. I had lunch with Stephen and then we argued about going to the movies. Which put me in a sour mood all evening despite the GORGEOUS weather we were having. oh crap, it's getting so late. I think I'm gonna finish this later on, like when I wake up! but just for a quick summary here...I DID go to the movies, and we saw Be Cool and it was really good. But more on the argument and work later...I'm much to sleepy to still be up!

Tonight was quite a night. Heck, actually today was a SUPER busy day. Spring Break my butt!! I got up and went to moms or whatever as I said before, and we spent all day searching through racks and racks of dresses for one that would be suitable for me to wear to a funeral and to church on easter. (my uncle, who has cancer, was in very bad shape as of this morning and we're planning ahead). I had to go have pictures taken at the church for the directory and then I went to stephen's. He didn't want me there at first I think, but I've gotten better about not irritating him and just doing my own thing, and he changed his mind. I then got a SPLITTING headache, which i still have, and here I am. I guess this will be the entry where I put pictures of everyone that might appear in my diary so that whoever decides to read this silly thing will know who they are!

,  These are both me. The first is at work, the second is my senior cheerleading picture :)

This is Stephen...my dear dear boyfriend whom I love so much!(with me, of course)http:/

Ok, I'm going to go now. This will have to do because I'm going to play SIMS for a little while...much love-

Janet

 

This makes day one of this journal, and I don't really have a WHOLE lot of time to start it. I guess I'll just do a quick rundown on everything, then I have to go see my mom and sister, and go shopping for something to wear for Easter. Last night I went to stephens, and he was so sweet. I spent way too much money on his Easter basket, but I love watching him smile and it makes me feel better. We watched Garfield and then I came home. I have to get in the shower and leave asap to go pick my sister up at school, she has half days all this week. but uh, here are some pictures and introductions to people in the event someone who actually reads this needs a face to go with a name..

ok  nevermind, this is taking much too long for now. I'll do the rest of this tonight if I feel like it. I think me and stephen are going to see Be Cool tonight. Mucha love

Love <3
Janet